A Father to Remember

Today is a celebration to honour Fathers and Fatherhood in society and in our lives. I agree that the definition of Father has changed and does not always mean the actual blood relative of a child, the one who is partly responsible for conception of the child. Unfortunately, there are a lot of "Fathers" out there that do not deserve being honoured, and I can't even begin to understand how a person could abandon their own child, or not want to be an active, loving part of their child's life. It is very hard for me to understand for two reasons; one, because I am a Mother and know what an incredible gift it is to have a child and two, because of my own experience with my Father.

One thing that I knew every second of every day was how much my Father loved me. It didn't matter if he was angry with me or not, what age I was, what my grades in school were, my Dad loved me unconditionally all the time. I was far from a perfect child. I was a very troubled teenager and I know I must have been a very difficult child to raise, but my parents never gave up on me and my Dad always made me feel loved. I gave him tons of reasons to be angry with me, I ignored curfew, cut class, took the car without asking, snuck out of the house, oh the trouble I use to get in.....

No matter how upset my Father was about my latest "stunt" what I always knew was at the root of it all, he loved me and he worried about my safety, my happiness and my future. I started to realize that if he didn't get upset with my behaviour that would mean he didn't care.

My teenage years were a nightmare, for me, for my parents and for my family. It was not until I was twenty that I really understood, just how much my parents loved me and just how much stress I caused them for the last five years. It was time to apologize, and I did. I am glad I did because it only made our relationship stronger.

As I sit here I remember all the things my Dad did that make me remember just how great of a Dad he was. My second year of school in Toronto, I became really sick and I remember being locked away in my room and my Father had called for me and one of my room mates told him that I had been sick and I had been in bed for over two days and were worried about me. My Father dropped everything he was doing, drove to Toronto,  came to my apartment, got me from my bed, carried me down the ever-lasting flight of stairs, put me in his car and drove me back to Niagara Falls. My Mom and Dad took care of me for the week and nursed me back to health.

Another stellar Dad incident I remember was just after 9/11, I was going to Ireland to see my best friend and her new nine day old baby. I had arrived at the airport three hours in advance and when I was checking in at the ticket counter I find out my passport had expired. I called my Father in tears and he said, "What about your Italian passport?" I had not even thought about that, but it was in Niagara Falls and I was at Pearsons Airport in Toronto. My Father checked my Italian passport to be sure it was valid, and without me asking he said he would drive up to the Toronto airport as fast as he could so I could make my flight. I remember standing outside the airport near passenger drop off and he literally opened the window handed me my passport, gave me a kiss, and off he went back to Niagara Falls and I made my flight to Ireland with just minutes to spare.

When my Father was diagnosed with cancer in 2003, it was the biggest shock of my life. My Father was a strong, healthy man. At his last physical the Doctor's said, "You are as fit as a horse." Those ten months were the most trying times of my life. Being hopefully and praying for the best, while you prepare mentally for the worst. My Dad was optimistic for the most part, until the cancer took over. It is hard watching someone so strong being eat up by this terrible disease. The chemo didn't work so well and before our eyes we watched my Dad die.

I remember the day that I got a call from my sister saying my Father's hemoglobin count was 2. Normal is about 120. I made my way to the hospital to be with my Father, when I entered his room, there he was, the remaining 75 pounds of him. He lost over 100 pounds in the last year. His eyes lite up when he saw me and he said, "My beautiful Caterina, I am so much better now that you are here." I curled up beside his skeleton of a body, and just laid there in silence. I thought of every moment in the last 27 years, how this man loved me unconditionally, taught me life's greatest lessons, guided me when I needed it, carried me when I needed it, and "slapped" some sense into me when I needed it most.

There was ongoing friction between my Father and I, something we just couldn't see eye-to-eye about. It was because I spent the last seven years, exploring, adventuring and travelling the world while he encouraged and pleaded me to "settle down", get married, have children and commit to a career.  While sitting with my Father on his hospital bed, he turned to me an said, "You are smarter than me. You had it right all these years and I was wrong." I wasn't sure what he was talking about but he continued. "All these years, I have been telling you to settle down, to get married to start a family and you have always said, I am not ready for that. I am enjoying my life, travelling the world. exploring new places and when I am ready to settle I will but not yet." He continued, "Look, look at me. I am going to die without seeing the things I wanted to see, without making my dream trip to Hawaii, because every year I put it off for next year, and now, I don't have a next year." I felt incredibly sad for my Dad at that moment. He was a loving Father, the sole provider for the family, worked extremely hard for his entire life but never had the chance to do the things he dreamed of. He then said, "You had it right, and I had it wrong and I am so proud of you for not listening to me and so proud of you for living your life and dreams, keep doing that."

Those words from my Father, are with me everyday. It is a way I can continue to honour him in my everyday life and I am so grateful that he shared those words with me.

It was a hard week, to sit there and watch this man, my Father, that I loved so much, slip away. I remember my Father looking up and seeing me cry, he said, "Caterina, my beautiful daughter, don't cry, why are you crying?" And I said, "Oh Daddy, I am not ready to be without you, I don't want you to die." And he said, " Caterina, you will always be with me, and I will always be with you. We share the same smile, the same eyes, the same heart. Smile everyday and I will be smiling with you, through your eyes I will see the world."

What an amazing gift my Dad gave me in the last week of his life. He gave me wisdom, praise, encouragement, strength, support and love that will stay with me forever. I cherish every moment we shared that week and in our life together. I am grateful that I am not left with wishing I had the chance to say what I needed and wanted to.  I had the chance to tell my Dad how much I loved him, how much I respected and admired him and I was able to say thank you and in that there is peace.

Per  sempre con amore Papa. Happy Father's Day.

The Power of Memories

I sit here and feel grateful that I have amazing memories of my Father. Of times we laughed together, fun times we shared, advice he gave me and the things he taught me while he was part of my life here on earth.

I am blessed, truly blessed to come to a place in my heart and soul knowing that my Father is still part of my life even though I am not physically able to spend time with him. It has been a long journey to be able to say that I am content. After  eight years, I have learned how to cope with the pain of losing my Father, the pain and suffering it brought my family and myself, and turn to a place of gratitude.

My Father was my best friend. We were cut from the same cloth, the same internal fire, the same smile, the same strengths and weaknesses. So being without him, in my day to day life was really really hard. I remember for about the first year, I still expected to hear his voice and I was still waiting for him to call me on the phone.

Once that passed, I remember going into the next stage which was anger. Why my Dad? Why did he have to die? Why did cancer take his life and spare others? It wasn't fair and I lived in that dark place for a long time. That time was heart-wrenching.

I spent many years in a place of emotional limbo. Happy and sad. It is like moving through life, through all these wonderful milestones, longing to share those moments with my Dad.

Over the last year and a half,  I feel like I have finally became calm in my being. I miss my Dad so incredibly much and that will always be the case. I have learned how to live with the sadness, to not excuse it, not ignore it  but not let it cripple me either.

I have also learned that I am so blessed to have had such an incredible relationship with my Father.  He was a great man, that filled my life and heart with love. He raised me to be the woman I am and all of my "Dad" memories, I carry around with me everyday. They are mine, and no one can take them from me.

The power of memories have allowed me to stay connected to my Father, and I still have a relationship with him. I still talk to him and ask for his guidance. When I am in a challenging situation, or I have to make an important decision, I can close my eyes and for a moment sit with my memories of my Dad and ask him to guide me to my answer or decision. By doing so today, I still have my Dad's direction and guidance.

The connection I had with my Father did not die. It lives within me, in my soul, in my heart, in my memories and that brings me the greatest comfort.

It is the power of memories that gives me the strength to continue my journey, he may not hold my hand anymore, but he holds my heart and soul.